Lessons Learned From Mrs. Bennet: What NOT To Do As a Mother

Perhaps the reason that Pride and Prejudice is considered one of the greatest classics of all time is the unique characters that Jane Austen created in it. In fact, I’ve repeatedly seen multiple characters in the book held up as examples of the greatest human folly. Mrs. Bennet is certainly one of these characters. Not only do books give us examples to aspire to, but sometimes they also show us the defect of human character left to run its own course. Today, let’s examine a few examples of this in Mrs. Bennet and hold our own hearts up to the light of God’s Holy Spirit for examination. Here’s three things Mrs. Bennet’s example shows us about motherhood:

1. Our desires for our children must be constantly brought back in alignment with God’s Word. Mrs. Bennet’s sole aim in life is to see her daughters married to wealthy men, yet we see little (if any) concern for their character. It is so easy as parents to get caught up in the hopes and dreams we have for our children; we probably aren’t focused on them marrying rich spouses (I hope!), but we will often go to GREAT lengths to see them get into the best colleges and pursue “successful” careers. None of these goals are necessarily wrong, but we must constantly go back to God’s Word and make sure we are surrendering our desires to HIS will for them.

In addition, I find it helpful to pause and consider where I am focusing my parenting efforts; I find two areas of my personal life usually reveal this: 1) What do I spend the most time praying about for my children? 2) What do I worry about the most for my children? If I’m being honest, so often my worries and even prayers for my children are about temporal things: are they going to do okay at horse camp, since it’s a new experience? Are they going to make friends okay (something I worried about and prayed about non-stop when we moved cross-country last year)? Will I ever be able to take my toddlers out in public without them throwing tantrums (and all the mamas of 1’s, 2’s, and 3’s just said “Amen”!)? Again, none of these are bad things to consider with our children. But I’m finding the longer I’ve been a mom that it’s more important to focus on how my children’s character and faith are affected by their circumstances, not just that their circumstances would be “easy.” For example: Our oldest has been in physical therapy for over a year now because she is a “tiptoe” walker (meaning she can’t flatten her feet when she walks). In addition to physical therapy, she wears night braces and may potentially have surgery in the next year or two to correct it. When we first began this journey to help her correct it, I prayed fervently for God to heal her feet without surgery. Now, almost a year and a half later, I continue to pray for healing, but also that God would shape her character during this time. That she would learn resiliency. That she would truly see herself as God’s beautiful creation, made in His image, and proclaimed “good” on the day of creation. That she would see that God is the ultimate Healer and that He is powerful enough to do any work for and in us. Ultimately, these things are even more important than her physical healing because they are eternal.

2. We must guard against living vicariously through our children. When the militia go to Brighton and Kitty and Lydia are heartbroken at not getting to follow them, we get a glimpse into why Mrs. Bennet is so partial to her youngest two: “Their affectionate mother shared all their grief; she remembered what she had herself endured on a similar occasion, five and twenty years ago. ‘I am sure,’ said she, ‘I cried for two days together when Colonel Millar’s regiment went away. I thought I should have broke my heart.’” As parents we often look back on the parts of our childhood that we consider “wanting” and seek to fulfill them in our children; it is good to learn from our childhoods and the mistakes our parents may have made, but if we overcompensate we may find ourselves excusing folly and vice in our own children, as Mrs. Bennet does. In addition, we need to consider if what we thought was terrible at the time was truly bad or just against our personal wishes. As a mother I have often realized that the things I sometimes disliked about my childhood were actually wonderful gifts that I hope to pass on to my own children.

3. We should be pouring as much and probably even more effort into our marriage as we are into our children. Mr. and Mrs. Bennet are merely two individuals living in the same house. They lack any sort of commonality and are only concerned with their own interests. Listen, I know what it's like to be swimming in a sea of diaper changes, late-night nursing sessions, and the endless meals and snacks and house cleaning, and to feel like you have nothing left to give your husband. Mamas of littles, parenting (or at least the physically draining parts you’re struggling with right now) will get easier. But you absolutely must prioritize your marriage during this season and all the ones that come after. Your husband needs you, and you need your husband. And your children need their parents to have a healthy marriage. In a culture where blended and single parents have rapidly become the norm, we can certainly see how much strife is caused in a child’s heart and home when a marriage falls apart. But equally devastating is a child who grows up in a home where the parents endlessly argue or act like strangers (like the Bennets). Consider for a moment how much time you spend worrying about your children, praying for your children, caring for their physical needs, and simply trying to connect with them. As busy mothers our lives can quickly be overtaken by our children’s needs and schedules. If we are finding that we don’t have time for monthly date nights with our husband, or to spend time with him in the evenings, we MUST consider what needs to change. Ask the sweet older lady in your church to babysit while you go on a date (I know from experience that she will be more than happy to help); consider cutting back your children’s extracurriculars to give your schedule some margin; take a nap while the baby does so you’re not falling asleep when evening rolls around and the littles are finally asleep and you’re able to spend time together. Whatever you need to do to prioritize your husband, do it.

Mamas, let’s strive not towards worldly motherhood as Mrs. Bennet does, but rather to reflect Christ to our children and husband through our daily actions and priorities. Let’s love our children and husband well, knowing that we were first loved by God and that His Holy Spirit equips us to do all He has called us to, including being the wife to our husband and the mother to our children.