Life-Giving Homes Vs. Styled Homes

What do we do when we feel like our homes don’t measure up to other people’s spaces? I think this is common for most of us in a culture where we are constantly seeing other people’s beautifully curated spaces on social media. Our moms and grandmas didn’t face this in the same way we do; they only saw inside other people’s homes when they physically visited them or when they looked at a magazine. So how do we combat the feelings of frustration and discontent that often crop up when we see someone else’s perfect-appearing space?

 I’ll try to give you some practical steps to combat this, but ultimately this goes back to our hearts. I think for a lot of women, it’s been hard-wired in us to associate our capability and worth with how our home looks. The irony is that this is true also for women who have embraced modern feminism; it’s not only women who stay-at-home with kids or work from home who struggle with this. And no matter how “perfect” you make your home look, you will always be able to find someone out there who has ultimately done a better job with SOMETHING in their home than you have.

So consider for a moment where your heart is at; some questions that might help you process this:

• Do I notice actual needs in my home? Or am I being critical of my home because it doesn’t measure up to someone else’s?

• When do my negative feelings about my home pop up? After viewing social media too much? Or visiting my friend’s beautiful, newly remodeled or built home? 

• Or do they tie back to how my family is operating and living in our home? Sometimes our frustration is related to the daily struggles, not an outside influence. If your kids can’t find matching shoes every morning, or cooking dinner takes twice as long because your counters are covered in clutter, then those are legitimate frustrations. 

• Am I seeing my home have a negative or positive influence? This includes on myself, my family, and any guests who come inside it. 

• Do I recognize my home as a blessing that doesn’t actually belong to me (because everything we have truly belongs to the Lord), or does it feel more like a burden? Can I see the ways God has provided for my family through my home, or am I so focused on what’s lacking that I’m missing the gift that my home truly is?

There’s no shame if you work through these questions and realize that your heart hasn’t been in the right place with your home. I’ve wrestled with many of these issues in recent months (okay, some of them have been in recent days!), and we can’t grow in these areas if we aren’t first aware of what needs to change. Here are some practical ideas to help you change your heart where your home is concerned:

1. Recognize that heart change always comes from the Lord. We see clearly over and over again in Scripture that it is only God who can soften and change hearts. If you are struggling with your home on a heart level, the first place you should go is on your knees. Spend time praying and asking God to soften your heart towards your home and recognize it as the blessing that it is. When I find myself growing frustrated with the state of my home, it often helps me to pray as I go about tending it. Thank God for each thing He’s blessed you with as you pick up your kids toys. Pray over each family member as you fold their clothes. Or simply confess (sometimes continuously) your negative thoughts as you work. 

2. Watch what you’re filling your mind and heart with. There’s two extremes on social media that can lead us to dislike our homes: either the perfectly manicured picture of a professionally decorated home, or someone spewing negativity about their home. Either one, if we view and read it too much, will lead our hearts in the wrong direction. This doesn’t mean we can’t ever enjoy looking at other people’s homes and gaining inspiration through Pinterest and Instagram. Just be careful of how it leaves you feeling after you’ve been scrolling for a while. Sometimes a social media fast is necessary to help us get back in the right frame of mind.

3. Notice the signs of life around you. If you walk into my house in the middle of any given day, there’s a good chance you’re going to see some sort of mess somewhere in my home (maybe in a lot of “somewheres” 😆). I realized this truth really quickly after we made the choice to homeschool: there is always going to be a “middle of the day mess,” as Abbie Halberstadt says, because there are actual living, breathing small people in my home all day. Yes, we tidy throughout the day. Yes, we attempt to keep our house cleanish. But I’m not going to stop my kids from playing and being kids so I can have a perfect home all the time. This is the first sign I always notice when my heart is in the wrong place with my home: if my reaction to my kids doing normal things (like playing or spilling milk or making a blanket fort) is one of frustration, then that’s a sign that something is off in my heart. Mama, please hear me loud and clear: your kids (or your husband for that matter) are NEVER the problem in your messy house. Houses are made for people, not the other way around.

When I was in high school, I had the opportunity to visit Mexico on a mission trip with my dad. Many things about that trip formed my worldview and made me realize how truly blessed I was to grow up where I did, but the most life-altering thing for me was viewing the “cardboard cities” that we would go minister at, passing out food and other necessities. Seeing moms make a home for their children out of refrigerator boxes is humbling and convicting in a way that stays with you, even twenty years later. Let’s not forget that if we live in America, we are by default some of the most privileged people in the world. Yes, most of us don’t live in “ideal” houses. But I’m convinced that if we start by changing our hearts, we CAN learn to love our homes and make them true places of refuge for our families. With the help of the Holy Spirit, let’s bring back the phrase “happy homemaker” in the best of ways!